top 4 ways to avoid the swine flu
“yea, and verily did the pig god say unto his pen that the lovers of the bacon and the rind will be struck down for their unnatural appetite, and so the hairless monkeys were smoted.”
1. avoid items of heavy traffic
limit your chances of exposure by reducing your contact with items that flu-infected humans have already touched: phones, keyboards, doorknobs. in fact, it’s probably better just to give them all up completely. insist on entering buildings using only windows. laugh at those fools exchanging germs; you’ll get the added benefit of physical exercise.
2. wash your hands early and often
once on your person, the virus usually finds its way in from your hands to your eyes, nose, or mouth. cut down the chances of transference by thorougly washing your hands with soap and warm water at every opportunity. don’t have access to soap and warm water? any standing water will do, as long as you concentrate hard enough and really scrub. it may also help to pick up obsessive-compulsive disorder.
3. cover your sneezes
seriously, you sick bastard, no one wants to be on the receiving end of your 100 mph snot rocket launch. sleeves were invented for a reason.
4. stay home if you get sick
no, really. get this - doctors everywhere are encouraging you to take yourself out of society while you’re infected so as not to continue to spread the virus. feelin a little sore? take the week off! did you just sneeze? report to the barracks, soldier, you’ve got some rack time comin your way! it’s never been easier to duck out on that meeting. and if by some chance the economy doesn’t plunge further into chaos by so many of the workforce being out of commission AND civilization isn’t reduced to small, healthy pockets fighting over a box of cheez-its in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, your paperwork will still be there to do just as soon as this whole thing blows over.
